anxiety · Depression · Healing · Mental Health · panic disorder

I’m Completely Crashing (TW: Depression & Anxiety)

I honestly don’t know where to begin right now but this week has been the worst. The absolute worst. It’s been effecting my motivation to write, and I don’t feel like doing anything but laying in my bed and not moving until I feel like myself again. I’m crashing, I’m losing myself, and I’m not sure what to do.

Everyday has been the same, I wake up, feel okay, eat something, and then I feel like garbage for the rest of the day. I’ve been having everyday panic attacks and the light I saw towards recovery, well, it’s gone. It’s almost like I’ve turned around and started walking the other way. 

Back into darkness, discomfort, and a butt load of panic attacks. 

I haven’t seen a good day in over a week, and any time I did feel good, I was still having anxiety. My appetite is no where to be seen, my mood is completely drained, and the only time I feel at some sort of peace is when I’m sleeping, and that’s only when I’m not awoken by my anxiety. 

My stomach is constantly hurting and I can’t tell if it’s because I’m barely eating or if it’s the tension from nerves and constant hyperventilating. All I know is it hurts so much it’s preventing me from eating, which isn’t good. 

I’m not really sure what the problem is anymore, I’m just suffering, I’ve tried to get help, and nothing is helping right now. I’m trying to be productive, wake up early, leave the house when I get the chance to, have sleepovers with my boyfriend, take my dog outside, color, write, read, watch TV, there’s not one thing that brings my mind some peace and quiet. Coloring while blasting music in my ears was helping, but it’s so intense, growing everyday, that there’s nothing. 

I take Hydroxyzine and honestly that’s barely been helping now, too. I took it last night before a bad panic attack and it didn’t help at all, it made things worse. 

The sun hasn’t been out and that’s effecting a lot for me, also.

I’ve been contemplating going back on a more dependent medication, like Citalopram, it really helped for me, it honestly felt like it cured me, until I went cold turkey and had withdrawal symptoms and went spiraling back down. 

My doctor has been recommending it and I’m thinking about taking her up on that offer because I can’t deal with the anxiety on my own anymore. I thought I could but I can’t. I feel like I’m losing control and dying at the same time. 

I’m praying with every inch of me that I’ll see that light again, because I can’t stand the darkness anymore, it’s consuming me, eating at me within every minute. This is not me. 

This is not me.

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