advice · Happiness · Healing · Mental Health · recovery

My Anxiety is Drowning Me

I don’t even know where to begin right now. Anxiety is the most life-consuming thing I’ve ever dealt with in my entire life. I’m trying to refrain from using my blog to complain about the things I deal with internally, but I also wanted to use it to express myself, so why does expressing my internal difficulties have to be.. Negative?

There’s so much going on right now I don’t even know how to even sort it out right now. I’ve learned in my Psych Ed groups how to break things down, and it’s a very useful skill, but it’s still so hard, not all of my skills that I’ve learned are a reflex yet, and that’s one of the hardest things about learning new ways to cope, trying so hard to make it a reflex so when you are in times of struggle, you can handle it easier. I guess that’s the thing about getting help, is you have to be so consistent with practicing your newly found skills. I procrastinate so hard, and I’m so used to the way I typically handle my anxiety because that’s what I know best, that’s what I’m comfortable doing, I need to expose myself to these new skills, even outside of treatment. How do I expect these things to get better if I learn the skills, but not practice them when I should be, outside of treatment, too?

I don’t know. That’s what I always say in times like these where my anxiety is just so bad, I truly just.. Don’t know. Grab a brush, pull all your hair out of it, and put the ball of hair in front of you. That’s what my mind looks like right now. I feel like so many people who struggle with anxiety, could totally relate to that. Having anxiety is a mess. Your mind is a mess. You cannot keep up with the thoughts, and on top of all the thoughts you already have that are triggering your anxiety, you have to deal with the extra thoughts that develop through the thoughts you were already having, which causes your anxiety to escalate.

I’ve been dealing with anxiety since last night. Like, intensely. It’s funny because yesterday made a week since I had restricted myself from eating, a new behavior that I developed through my anxiety, and I have been struggling to put my weight back on since it started at the beginning of this year, it was even harder for a longer period of time because I had to deal with a therapist who’s head was so far up his ass, he misdiagnosed me, but me in the wrong treatment, and every single time I came in and he found my weight fluctuated or he knew I was in the middle of a restriction and I lost literally a pound, he’d try to send me into the hospital so I could be force fed, that was so stressful that it actually caused me to lose weight. I fell to the lowest weight I’ve been since I was a kid. I think the last time I was in the hundreds was when I was in middle school.

I am the tiniest person ever, I’m roughly underweight, I’ve always been on the smaller side, that’s just how my body is, no matter how much I eat. So being told you need to be eating 5,000 calories a day when the average human doesn’t even eat that, was a little too much. But finding a new treatment program, has really eliminated that stress for me and now my weight has been going back up and my eating restrictions are becoming more and more under my control. It only really seems to happen now if I’m under an excessive amount of stress. But, where I was going with that, is that I have a main weight goal, which is 103, and I set miniature weight goal, which was 87, and I reached that yesterday.

For a lot of people that actually know me, and what I am going through right now, gaining my weight back has been extremely tough because my body was in starvation mode for so long that any time I don’t eat for over four hours, my body goes back into that mode, and my weight would immediately drop. My metabolism is so high, but the more stress I eliminated from my life, the easier it was to control my restrictions, and keep my weight maintaining, at least. But it’s been slowly making it’s way back up, and now that my body is getting used to consistent eating again, I’ve been eating bigger meals, which means weight gain! So in that case, go me!

On another note, I don’t even know what had happened last night, and see, this is one of the most irritating things about having anxiety and being prone to panic attacks, episodes will come and go as they please. Last night, I was eating dinner and reading some articles on mental health, as that is something I’m deeply studying right now, I mean, I knew I felt a little disoriented from the extremely long nap I accidentally took, which can trigger my anxiety from time to time, but it wasn’t enough to send me into the intense anxiety attack that I went into. I literally didn’t have a trigger, I didn’t read, see, or hear anything that set me off. I was eating, and next thing I know I’m spitting my food out and hyperventilating. I threw the rest of my dinner away and ran to my room to do what I usually do to calm myself.

I get so hypersensitive when I have anxiety attacks, I have to isolate myself, turn the lights off, have a bunch of blankets and a fan blowing on me, I need to be cold, but comfortable, and most importantly, I need to be alone. I don’t care who you are, I need to be alone to gather my thoughts and control what my mind and body are going through. I know what’s best for me. When someone who deals with anxiety or panic attacks tells you they know what is best for them, leave them to that. It’s okay to reach out to them and let them know you’re there for them, but also remember that sometimes these people dealing with their anxiety or panic attacks prefer to be isolated, a lot of people don’t like to be touched, even if you’re trying to comfort them, it can make them feel suffocated and trapped.

So, really be aware of how you’re helping them, make sure the person dealing with the attack is okay with you being around, I say that because I’ll be dealing with anxiety attacks and my mom will barge into my room, start yelling at me, telling me “take your medicine or you’re going back to the hospital”, some people really don’t know how to understand those who have really bad anxiety, your communication is crucial, never make the person dealing with anxiety feel like their feelings are invalid and that they are a bad person for dealing with what they can’t really control right now.

On top of the lingering anxiety I have from last night’s horrible and confusing episode, I had to waste my third absence from treatment today. Which is spiraling my treatment plan downhill and I’m extremely frustrated. I’m trying to handle all of this in a healthy, mature, responsible, calm way, but I’m also ready to just say screw it and drop out of group because they’re already considering an early discharge. Transportation became a huge issue for me when I kept missing my last bus home by a minute, and that bus only ran once an hour, where it already took me two hours to get home, so add that next hour I had to wait at the transit station with creepy, old men who feel obligated to make sexual comments, and the heat, something that is extremely triggering for me.

I tried to talk to my social worker, I know she’s doing everything she can for me right now, I appreciate all that she’s done, and simply just trying, but unfortunately it’s coming down to I may need to switch treatment programs which is the last thing I want, I just started yoga at this treatment, I’m already almost done, I have about four weeks left, and even though I’m already making mad progress and feel I’ve stabilized for the most part, despite the random bad days I get about once a week, I still want to stay for the recommended time. I want the proper help. My mental health is extremely important to me, it’s currently my top priority, I am so dedicated to getting better, and the last thing I need is for the one thing actually helping me right now, to come crashing down.

I woke up extremely anxious this morning, I had horrible sleep, I was on and off all night because my anxiety felt the need to wake me up once an hour, I tried calling my treatment to ask for emergency transportation, which was something I was using in the previous weeks because I do have a hard time getting on the bus in the mornings from time to time, and they were able to provide me that emergency transportation, but because transportation home became such an issue and so unreliable, I needed to tell my social worker, something truly needed to be done. I was tired of being stranded at the transit center with absolutely no other bus that went to my house, and no one who would give me a ride home. My social worker ended up using all the uses I had left with that transportation to get me home, and now I have no way of getting there on days like today, where I can’t get on the bus, I don’t have that extra push anymore.

So on that part, I’m extremely stuck. I talked on the phone with my social worker today, and I now have to sign a contract stating I’ll do better with attendance and if I don’t, I will be forced to discharge early. Which in my opinion is a little screwed up, I get their perspective and their reasoning, truly, I do. But, I wish they seen it from the patient’s perspective too, anxiety can be so crippling, and when you’re already dealing with a butt load of anxiety and have to push yourself to do something even more anxiety triggering, that could lead to a mess nobody wants to deal with, and it can actually make the person start avoiding that situation to also avoid the 2% chance of that same situation happening again. I wish they were a little more understanding, I mean three days + a contract is a little reasonable, they do it because the consistency and pushing is what will make the treatment provided beneficial. It’s the “only” way it’ll work, or so they say.

Right now I’m extremely stuck and just having a hard time handling this, my social worker is looking into our last resort, and if that doesn’t work then I’ll be discharged early if the transportation becomes TOO much of an issue, because I technically can still get home, I’d just have to suck up the extra hour I’d have to wait to get home. It’s all I can do if I want to stay in this treatment. If I’m as committed as I say I am, then I am going to have to suck it up and push through it. I just hope that a miracle will happen, I’m trying to remain calm and take this one day at a time, because I don’t want to overwhelm myself anymore than I have to. Seriously, my anxiety is drowning me.

“To hear the phrase “our only hope” always makes one anxious, because it means that if the only hope doesn’t work, there is nothing left.”

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