Note to self: To be opened next year on August 26th, 2017.
I hope you’re alive. I hope you’re breathing and cherishing each breath. I hope you got what you wanted and you’re no longer putting up with what you were as you were typing this. No one deserves to go through what you were at this particular moment, it was so hard and I am so proud of you for coming as far as you did, even if you’re in a worse place or in a better place. Mom may not be proud of you, but don’t forget to be proud of yourself, because how you feel is more important than the way anyone else feels about you. I am so proud of how many times you’ve reached for help and didn’t give up when things didn’t work out. It’s okay that it didn’t, not everything will be as perfect as you expect it to be. It’s okay to try new things, just as long as you don’t give up on yourself.
I hope you’re still with John, and you found away to get that dead beat dad to leave you alone and stop trying to butt into your life and for the family to quit trying to bring him around you, I know how traumatized you’ve gotten from all of that and no one could respect how you truly felt. It was unfair, but I know in time they will eventually catch on to the fact he made you uncomfortable and want nothing to do with them, if not, and you had to cut them out of your life, remember that it’s okay, if someone cannot respect your boundaries, or how you feel, they don’t deserve to be in your life, and take that with you as you continue on with this journey, because respect is important, and so are your feelings.
I hope that you got those damn eating restrictions under control, they are so irritating to deal with and not having anyone who would even try to understand the restrictions and boss you around, it was only making things worse. I hope you stood up to those people, and continued moving forward. I hope that you enjoy food more than you ever have, and are finally eating in public and enjoying every second of that, because I know how hard you’ve been wanting to do that again, and you deserve to have that part of your life back. You deserve to be able to go out into public and enjoy all of the food you eat and laugh with friends and family. You deserve to have your life back. That’s all I want for you in a year from now, but if you’re not in that place yet, just keep in mind that it’s okay, and someday you’ll get there, but I have high hopes that things are going to get better before you read this. I believe in you. That may not mean much because it’s coming from you, a year ago, but it’s still something and somebody.
I hope you’re working again, and you’re working towards moving to San Diego, I hope that you pursue your dreams and are a few inches closer to doing everything you’ve dreamed of doing. I know it doesn’t take a year, but it doesn’t mean you can’t start taking baby steps towards that, and if moving to San Diego isn’t what you want to do anymore when you read this, then I hope you are finding new goals, and working towards them. You’re so good at coming up with all of these huge goals for yourself and always changing your mind, that’s what I like about you, it’s so hilarious. You are so unique, and so creative, you always have been, and never let your creative flame die out.
I hope you found a job, and are working towards your own place and building your life up, I hope you’re becoming successful and finding that happiness and stability you’ve wanted so bad. Finding the right job was so hard for you, and not making income for awhile was even harder, but you have never given up, you’ve always fought for what you wanted for yourself, and I hope you still do that. Remember that not every job is going to be for you, but one day you’ll find it, and you’ll be happy. I hope that you go back to school, and complete your education, it’s okay if you don’t, but I want the best for you. I want you to make me proud, make this struggle worth it.
I hope you have learned to completely accept your panic disorder, because that’s been something you’ve been struggling so hard to make peace with, for years and years, and you’ve been working so hard to make that happen, and you’ve began to, I hope that blossomed and you’re coping extremely well. You’ve developed some wonderful skills, I hope you’ve continued to develop even more, and that they are so useful for you. Your anxiety and panic has been so traumatizing, but don’t let it make or break you, I hope you’ve realized that you are in control, you are the one who has the power, you are stronger than your anxiety and your panic, even when it felt like you weren’t, you always have been.
Last but not least, I hope you’re happy.
“The only time you fail is when you fall down and stay down.”