It’s a little strange to me that I am changing up the game and writing a second post in one day, typically I write only one, but today, I am slowly starting to feel back to normal after a few days in a row of feeling like I was on autopilot. I felt as if I was here physically, but not mentally. Disorientation can really mess with you. But, as I got a lot of my stress under control, and believe it or not, was abruptly discharged from treatment today, I’m feeling a little bit better, despite my allergies acting up, but that’s beside the point, I’m still finally enjoying my time after having zero relief these past few days. It was hell.
On that note, I’ve decided to write about being grateful, because that’s how I am currently feeling. There are so many things that I am grateful for right now. Physically, I feel like garbage, but because for once, my anxiety is at a zero, I can have some peace, my mind is quiet. I am cherishing this, anyone with panic disorder or anxiety will know exactly what I mean by cherishing literally every second of peace you get with your anxiety, when it never stops bothering you, it’s hard to enjoy life, you have to spend the majority of your time preventing another attack, and you live in constant fear of when the next one will come up, especially when you haven’t had an attack in awhile and it’s almost like… Feeling due? I hate that feeling. I’ve been feeling it SO much lately, honestly, it feels like the longer I go without an attack, the more intense the attacks are when I do get hit with them, I spend all of my peaceful time not having anxiety, having anxiety over when the next one will come, rather than just enjoying the present moment, the peace that I so desperately beg and plead for when my anxiety won’t shut up.
I haven’t really done a lot today because of my allergies, but I’ve done a lot more than I have in the past few days, especially eating wise. I’ve ate so much today and I am more grateful for that than anything, because my eating restrictions have been so bad I was actually scared I was never going to be able to eat again, but realistically, that was just my anxiety talking. I think I was able to manage my anxiety when I came to the conclusion the treatment I was in was straining me to no end, and to my fellow group pals, I am so deeply sorry for the abrupt leave, you were a second family to me, and leaving you was the hardest thing I had to do. It tore my heart into pieces, but the strain was so bad.. Sometimes, you just have to do what is right for you, even if it hurts so much. Some weight is lifted off of my shoulders, I think I’ve gained some really wonderful skills being with that treatment, and I feel okay being on my own until I can figure out a new place to be treated, that isn’t so far from home, and where I don’t have to bus through an area so nasty. I am also, very grateful for that treatment, and the things I’ve learned there.
Today, I got a few things done, some very kind-hearted people from my group lent me some money, as I am financially in the garbage, and I got to take care of my necessities that I haven’t been able to do. It was very stress relieving. I am so grateful for the fact they lent me some money just out of love and support. I have such high respect for them, helping someone who is struggling financially so much, is such an amazing thing, helping people no matter what the situation is, is an amazing thing. I can’t even find any way to thank them for the help they have given me, not just financially, but emotionally. All I wanted through this process towards recovery was for someone to understand, to listen, to be present with me. I have never been shown that much respect and support in my entire life, and words cannot describe how grateful I am to have met these people. To you, I wish you all the best, I wish I could have gotten the chance to tell you personally before I had to go, you are all so strong, and we are all going to find the peace, happiness, and relief, that we are so desperately searching for. Thank you for helping me find a little piece in all of those things. I am grateful for you. So dearly.
I am grateful to be alive and breathing today. Days like today remind me why the struggle is so worth it. I try to find the positives in each and everyday, even the days I struggle the most. Giving up isn’t worth it, no matter how helpless and hopeless you feel, there’s always going to be better days, the storm will not last forever. I used to think so myself, but in time, I realized that some days are just a shit show, and all you can do is do what you can to get through it, and before you know it, you’ll be okay again. As much as it doesn’t seem like it, the dark days are a lesson, you learn how to cope you way through them, and eventually, they will no longer phase you. I’m not there yet, but there was a time I was, and I’m getting there inch by inch, everyday, it’s just the baby steps. Be grateful for the struggle, and be grateful for the days you feel whole.
It felt so great, taking care of some of the things that really needed to be done today, I got myself a little task planner that will help me break down some of the things I seriously need to get done, I typically have a mental planner, but I need it written before me, I feel so much more organized that way, and physically being able to see it, broken down before me, will probably make it easier to get things done. I got myself a yoga mat, which will motivate me to do more of my yoga, especially now that I don’t do it on Friday’s anymore, truly a bummer. I got new clothes, something I literally haven’t done since the last time I had a job. I got to have a little fun and watch a new TV show, I started watching iZombie, and it’s actually pretty darn good. My baby cousin was born today, and I took my pug for a run to burn some of his energy. I spent so much time today laughing and smiling, and I was so grateful to just be in the present moment, laughing, smiling, breathing, just being. You don’t have to be grateful for just the big things that happen to you, you can be grateful just for breathing, or for waking up each and everyday. Cherish and embrace everything that happens to you, each and everyday.
“The only difference between a good day and a bad day is your attitude”
– Dennis S. Brown.